This postpartum shit sucks ass!!!

I've been a bad blogger lately.  I haven't felt much like writing......I haven't felt like doing a whole lot of anything.  I was not aware that postpartum usually hits when the babes are between 6 and 9 months.  I really wish someone would have informed me of this shit....I could have maybe prepared myself a little better and prevented myself from loosing my ever lovin fuckin mind!  Cuz let me tell ya....this shit sucks ass! 
It's so hard to describe...it's just a whirlwind of emotions.  I won't go into all the details....I don't want ya all to think I'm a wack job.....I mean I'm a little crazy...but aren't we all??!!!  Oh...and then there is the guilt.....oh god the guilt.  I have absolutely nothing to be sad about.  I feel totally guilty for feeling all of these feelings. 
I wish I could just learn to let the little things go....to let the non important shit not matter.....to realize that in the long run things will be ok and be the way they were meant to be. 
I've found that at this point in my life there have been so many big changes.  Some fabulous and some not so fabulous but nontheless changes....changes change things....go figure that one huh??!!  I struggle with trying to remind myself that things happen for a reason.  I struggle trying to find that confidence in myself to know that I can get through the tough times and come out a better person for having lived it.  I struggle with trying to remind myself that if God brings you to it he will get you through it. 
This has all been a daily struggle lately and I work at it every day.  The fact that I have an amazing husband, the most beautiful wonderful little lady and an amazing family makes my days worth all this shit.  I'm not gonna lie....sometimes it's hard to put that smile on my face and be the wife and mother that I want to be and know that I can be.  Sometimes it's hard to get motivated to do anything.  But I know I have to, I know I want to, I know I need to.  And I know that this is just a rough patch in the road and things will eventually be better and fabulous again.....that's what the meds are for right???!!!!  I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later....I need to bring the fuckin funny back and stop with the pity party's!  One day at a time and one post at a time!   

WTF....We are throwing some more pity parties over here!!!

I have been totally M.I.A for the last week and I'm so sorry that I've deprived you all of my profound rants and rambles.  But seriously the last 8 days have been maybe the shittiest ever!  Remember last Monday when we were having a little pity party over here at My Fantabulous Wonderful Life....well the fucking pity party isn't over...we could actually call it a bash right now....we are well beyond just a party! 

Last Monday I just started out crabby....I shouldn't have bitched because it's all gone down hill from there.  Work has been beyond stressful with events that I would rather not talk about because god knows it will probably get me in trouble....my mouth has been known to do that from time to time.  So....I've been dealing with some work drama and really reevaluating what I want to do when I grow up.  Then on Wednesday I got a text from Stacy(daycare provider) saying that her daughter was running a super high fever and was diagnosed with hand foot mouth disease.  Sweet!!!!  Poor little peanut was absolutely miserable.  Plus it's highly contagious so Justin and I decided to keep Mees home on Thursday trying to be proactive about the situation.  I went to work on Thursday and got a call from Justin about an hour later telling me that Mia was running a fever of oh...somewhere around 103.  Yeah....sweet shit huh??  Well she wasn't getting better and her fever wouldn't break so he finally brought her in...come to find out the poor girl had blisters all in the back of her throat and mouth...hand foot mouth!!  So now I have this very sick little girl on top of a really really shitty ass week....not good for my mental status lately (oh you know...the whole postpartum depression, loneliness, single mom because Justin is still working nights thing....mental status is going down the tubes). 
Mia was finally starting to feel better by Saturday but Justin and I were really lacking in the sleep department.  I woke up Sunday morning at about 2am with a migraine....worst "headache" I've ever had.  I was pretty much bed bound for the day and sick to my stomach because it hurt so bad.  Nothing I took touched it plus I couldn't eat because of how nauseous I felt....empty stomach, tylenol, ibprofin and vicodin are not a good mix.....it's a barfy mix is what it is!  Plus I was just not feeling good!
Then this morning I got a phone call at about 3:30am from my mom telling me that my Grandma (dad's mom) passed away.  She lived at the nursing home that my mom and I work at.  It was very sudden and unexpected. 
So...I was going into this Monday trying to have a better attitude and then I hear this awful news.  It sucks...sucks ass!  I'm sad and feel awful for my dad.  She was 92 and lived a good life but nonetheless death still sucks. 
In the meantime after dealing with all of this this morning I made a doctors appointment for myself to just get checked out since my headache still hadn't really gone away and I'm still feeling like shit.  So they did a strep test...came back negative.....oh but guess what.....I now got the fuckin hand foot mouth disease. Yep...blisters all in the back of my throat and mouth.  Apparently it is very uncommon for adults to get but yes....this adult right here...fuckin got it.  I feel like I am continuously swallowing needles and that my mouth is on fire ( I honestly feel so bad for little ones who get this because it aint cool...not one little bit).  Honestly....I don't really know what else to say except FUCK!!!  So now I can't go to work for the rest of the week...which wasn't all that bad since Justin and I had already taken Thursday and Friday as vacation days so we could take Mees to the water park of America and spend some family time together since we've really lacked that the last couple of months(which has now been cancelled due to my grandma's services...which is obviously more important).

So....thats why I have been a bad bloggy friend and have not posted or commented in a week.  I can only hope that things will start to look up......and I can only hope for your sake that it does or your gonna be joining in on some more pity party bashes!!!
It has to get better right???
And this wasn't supposed to be a poor me post....just felt good to write it all out!  Thanks for listening!

Pity Party Monday!!

Today sucked!!!  Plain and simple....it was a shitty day.  I woke up crabby and that just fueled the downward spiral of this shitty Monday.  It was a mixture of personal stuff and work stuff and just shit that I didn't feel like dealing with..... plus it's Monday...that's bad in and of itself.   I was more or less having myself a fun little pity party! 
I've been a little down lately and can't seem to snap out of it at the moment.   The fact that I never see my husband has a little to do with it....with him working the third shift we see each other for maybe an hour a day.  We just have really no alone time where we can talk and just hang out.  It's just a change that I need to roll with but it still sucks....it's not permanent but that doesn't make it any easier right now.  I can't bitch too much about it though because I'm totally grateful that he has a job.

Anyway,  today after work I went to my parents to have dinner and hang out with Mia. She was in such a good mood and was having so much fun playing and I swear someone slipped her some cat nip or crack or something because the girl was bouncing of the walls....literaly bouncing off of her pack and play mesh siding thinking it was the funniest thing ever and her little ass was just moving everywhere!  As I was watching her I got mad at myself for being such a crabby bitch today....I looked at her and realized that all those things that I was letting bother me were stupid....I need to work on letting go of the little things and to stop having those little pity parties for myself.  Life is too short.  I need to learn how to enjoy it more.....although that is much easier said than done sometimes but I'm working on it.

I relish in the fact that this one tiny little person made my shitty ass day not so shitty anymore. 

I can't see how anyone would be in a bad mood after looking at this face!!! 

F U Road Construction....I hate you!

Disclaimer:  The F bomb gets dropped a couple of times and there may be a shit and an ass in there somewhere too!!  Just wanted to warn yall before you start your leisure reading for the day!!!

Here is my random rant for the day.  I just feel the need to get this off my chest!! 
Fuck you road construction!!!  I hate you!!  Why is it necessary to construct on every damn road within a 50 mile radius of my house and everywhere I have to drive.  There seriously is no direct way for me to get anywhere from my house.  I have to go so far out of my way to bring Mees to daycare, to get home from work, to go to my parents house, to go to my sisters house, pretty much anywhere that I need to go there is a single fuckin lane with stupid asshat drivers that don't know how to merge or even drive for that matter.  Or... all the damn exit ramps on and off the highway are all under construction at the same damn time!  And I just saw signs for more construction on the road that I take from daycare to work.  I seriously might loose my ever loving mind.....seriously....what the shit???
Not to mention the stench of freshly brewed tar all up in the air and all the bumps in the road that are probably going to fuck my car up....I'm just waiting for one of my tires to fall off or the tranny to drop! 
I guess I just don't understand why they need to do it all at once.  I think it's a hazard to all of us drivers....especially those of us who get some serious road rage...me....so...road construction people....if you could hurry the hell up and not be so stupid with your decision making process that would be really nice and it would also save me a little bit of what sanity I have left!!

Lessons learned this weekend!

I must admit that this 4th of July weekend was not the most fun 4th of July weekend I've ever had.  Personally I thinked it sucked a little!!!  The weather pretty much ruined half of our weekend and the other half there just wasn't shit for us to do because the humidity sucked the life right out of us.  The only positive thing was that we got to spend time together....which is always good and made up for the fact that everything else sucked ass! 
We were supposed to take our boat out on the 4th but the weather fucked that up but we did get to spend the afternoon with Nat, Joe and the kids.  Can't go wrong watching the three terrorists rip shit up!!!

And then today the weather was supposed to be nice so we thought "hey...yesterday was a bust lets take the boat out today."  So we did.  We waited for 45 minutes to launch the damn thing and then putted around for 20 minutes until Nat got there with the kids and loaded them on. 
Here is where I learned four important lessons.  Lessons that I will take with me for the rest of my days!
1.  Never ever trust the fuckin weather douche holes!!!  I already knew that but I was being optimistic!
2.  Never and I mean never take a 9 month old out on a boat when she has had NO nap.  Not a good idea...not a good idea at all.  Apparently they turn into this whole other non human thing!!  And then when it comes time for bed she throws herself around in the crib and terrorizes her poor little bear.  Monster!!
3.  When you see that the sky is black and the tornado sirens go off....it might be a good idea to head back to the dock.  (This one is acutally Justin's lesson....when your wife tells you that she is having a panick attack because of said wall cloud get the hell back to the dock)
4.  Flip flops are not a good thing to run in when you are trying to out run the typhoon that has just attacked you....plus I had one kid and Nat had two so we were trying real hard not to eat pavement and make it back to the truck for some kind of shelter from the bowling ball size rain that was pelting us. 

And No.....we had not been swimming!!!  This was a good part of the kids first boating experience...in the truck.

Instead of fireworks this year Justin and I went to see Eclipse and now I'm reobsessed with it!  Why is it that after I watch these movies I...1. think they are real 2. wish I could be them and 3. want to do some X rated things with Mr. Edward Cullen??   Yeah I'm almost 29 and I love the whole vamp fantasy.   Sad I know....but this is my excitement....besides poopy diapers....you didn't think I would go through a post without poopy diapers!!!

Hope the rest of you all had a super fun weekend!!!!  Maybe next year!!!

Dear Ry

Dear Maryah,
I want you to know that I think you are an amazing young woman.  You have inspired ME to be a better person.  Although I don't always follow through on the whole being a better person thing because I can be a nasty bitch sometimes (I DO have good intentions...most of the time)!!   I feel honored that you have let me be a part of your life for the last 6 years.  You are a one of kind, beautifully special young lady who has so much more wisdom than I could ever dream of.

 
I've come to realize that cancer fucking SUCKS....it SUCKS real fucking bad.  Sorry I said fuck....I know we've used that word once or twice.....it just speaks the truth and is powerful when talking about this nasty thing!  I hate that you have had to endure this battle at such a young age.  I hate that you have not been able to be a "normal" teenager.  I hate that you have not gotten to experience certain things that every young adult should.  I hate that this beast has consumed your body. 
I know that you don't look at it this way and again that proves just how amazing you truly are.  You are a much better person than I.  You are one of the most beautiful people I've ever met...inside and out.  I just hope that you know how much you are loved and how much you are going to be missed. 
You have taught me to live each day to the fullest and to never take anything or anyone for granted because you never know what the next day holds.  You have reminded me to kiss my munchkin as much as I can and tell her that I love her as much as I can because.... you just never know. 
The one thing that I want you to know is that I'm going to miss the hell out of you!  I know that you will be with all of us.  I know that you will be watching over everyone with that sparkle in your eye and a smile on your face. 
I love you very much and only hope that you will find peace and comfort on your journey home.  It is not the end nor is it the last time that we see each other.  I love you!
~Antie Nik

Granny's Girl

I was always a grandma's girl....my granny and me were best buds!! 
After my grandpa died when I was 8 we moved in with her so my mom and dad could help her with the house and really be there for her.  Because we lived with her, my relationship with her was much different than most peoples relationships with their grandparents.  We were extremely close!
For the most part I loved living with my grandma...except for the fact that it was like I had a second mother and when you are a teenage girl a second mother is last fucking thing you want!  Besides some slight yelling and screaming bickering, she was one of my most favorite people and bestest friends.  There was really nothing I couldn't talk to her about. 
She was seriously probably the coolest granny EVER!!!  All my friends loved her....she was everyones granny.  We would get out of school early and come back to our house and sit out on the deck, smoke cigs and shoot the shit with granny.  She was a huge gossip and had somewhat of a potty mouth and something pissed her off she wasn't afraid to let you know. 
When I met Justin she instantly LOVED him!!!  Justin could do no wrong...which in turn led to a few more fights small arguments.  She always stuck up for him....even though probably 90% of the time I was being an Asshole but whatever.  Same way with Joe and Nat....she always stuck up for the boys and Natalie and I could pretty much suck it!
She loved anything sports, her cigarettes and snickers!!  She was a frickin hoot and could always make me laugh.  She would get so mad at me, Deb, Nat and B for our innapropriate conversations at the dinner table and the way we harrassed her about and her "man friend" (they were actually just friends but we liked to tease her about it in a very vulgar kind of way...I won't tell you the shit we would say because well....it's definitely not G rated.....but she was cool like that so we could....and would usually give it right back to us). 
 
Two years ago in April was an extremely busy time in our lives.  Justin and I bought our first house in the middle of April and and were getting married the very beginning of May.  We thought...hey...why the hell not...lets buy a house, move and get married all within two weeks of each other ( I work well under pressure).  
Justin and I closed on our house on a Tuesday and were packing and moving all that week.  The next day (Wednesday) granny went into the hospital, the doc said that she had a minor heart attack, but she was doing well.  In the mean time we are still moving and now trying to unpack.  On Saturday, Granny discharged from the hospital and was going to be admitted to the nursing home where my mom and I work for rehab so she could gain her strength back because Justin and I were getting married in 2 weeks.  By Monday night they moved her into the hospice room.  Tuesday night I had class and had to go because I had a presentation.  I knew I shouldn't have gone but I did.  Justin called and had to leave a message that I'm sure was the most difficult message he has ever had to leave.....after my mom and I left work that day she passed away.  I think that that was possibly the worst I have ever felt.  I seriously couldn't believe that she was gone....I felt so guilty because I told her that I was going to be sooo mad at her if she didn't make it to my wedding and here she was gone before I could tell her otherwise.  My mom was completely devastated being an only child and all of us kids were completely heart broken.  So, the rest of that week was spent planning her funeral, which was held on Friday.  After that we had to go from one extreme emotion to the other because that next Saturday Justin and I were getting married.  In a way, all the wedding stuff actually helped all of us because it took our minds off of how shitty things were.  It still sucks to think that she wasn't physically there that day....I do know though that she was there in some sense because the weather that day (May 3rd) was supposed to be shitty, cold and possibly snowy.  I woke up that morning and the sun was shining and the day turned out absolutely beautiful!  
I miss her and think of her every day.  It sucks that she isn't here....there are times when I still pick up the phone to call her because I HAVE to tell her something and then I realize I can't.  It sucks that she will never get to meet Mia and that Mia will never get to meet her.  It sucks that she doesn't get to see her great grandkids play together at HER house and it sucks that she doesn't get to see the women that Natalie, Me, Debbie and Sabrina are continuously growing to be.  And A LOT of what we are is because of her.  It sucks to loose someone sooo close to you especially at such an important time.  Pretty much....it just sucks ass all together!!! 

Today has been 2 years since she has been gone.  It seems like just yesterday she was standing in the kitchen with her blue shorts and red shirt on and cigarette hanging out her mouth ( I still expect to see her there when I walk in the back door) waiting to tell me that I forgot to bring my clothes downstairs or wondering why Justin isn't home from work yet or wanting to know if I talked to Nat and is she going to be home for dinner.  I still expect all of that and then I feel like she has been gone forever and it's been forever since I've seen her and do I remember what she looks like or what her voice sounds like.  And then I feel like sometimes I try not to think about her because it makes me too sad.
I am so grateful for the 27 years I had with her.  I couldn't have dreamed a better granny and I miss her every single day!  I wish everyone had a granny like I did!! 

And on a side note...I've been crying writing this and just had to get up because I had large amounts of snot running down my face....I know you all wanted to know that but I needed to lighten the mood up a little!!!

Weekend Recap

The weather this weekend was absolutely beautiful.  We all spent the weekend out at mom and dad's so we could enjoy the weather and the yard.  Turns out that as of today, I'm pretty sure that I got everyone sick.  Not cool.....I was feeling so much better and didn't think much of it so we went ahead and went out to the house and as of right now all but two of us are sick!!!  This shit sucks!!!  And I feel like an ass hole!!!

Before everyone started feeling all poopy and whatnot I was able to get some pretty good pics with the new lense that I got last week for my camera.  So I will share some photos instead of all the ailments of my entire family!  No need to gross anyone out!!
Here they are:

Grandma and the little ladies!

Pretty Pretty Belle.....this girl loves her beads....we are just glad that she still wears onsies!!

This might be the sweetest picture of Mia EVER!!!

Now I just need to figure out how to use the new Photoshop program I bought so I can do some editing to these here photos!!!