Monday, June 20, 2011

Mommy Tip #3 - Car Seat Trouble you know when you and your husband and your sister and her husband decide to go to DQ after the kids go to bed (not leaving them alone of course because you are all staying at mom and dad's house) because you find it necessary to be eating fatty ice cream and fudge and all that good shit at like 10 o'clock at night!  Yeah....and then decide it would be stupid to take two vehicles so decide on one but then realize that all of the vehicles have car seats in them and then decide instead of taking those car seats out of the vehicles you and and your sister decide it's a really good idea to just sit in the car seats!

I'm sure you are all thinking "holy shit...these two are fricken A.W.E.S.O.M.E."  Well we are but for many other reasons than this!
There are reasons why the law enforces the use of seat belts.  Because you see, when you aren't buckled  in your car seat and your brother-in-law decides to go flying over the railroad tracks at like 50mph and you think you'll be fine if you just duck your head a little and then you realize that when your body isn't touching any part of anything that it should be sitting on and you are completely airborne that you really aren't alright, and then this is what happens......

Mommy Tip #3:
Please refer to and abide by all laws and instruction manuals regarding car seats!  Because when you are not harnessed in there correctly this is the shit that happens!  Make sure when you are riding in a car seat with your sister next to you in her car seat that the two of you are buckled in!!!  Don't let this be you!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mommy Tip #2

I'm sure everyone has those mornings where you are scrambling to get out the door.  Where you try to put on your daughter's shoes and instead of sitting down and being fully cooperative decides she would rather run around the kitchen island like a mad woman thinking it's H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S that your dumb ass can't seem to catch her to put on some fuckin crocs!!!  Where you are rushing to figure out what shoes you should grab so you can get the hell out the door!
Then you see a pair of really cute black sandals that you haven't worn in forever and decide, Oh hell, I'm gonna wear these sweet things today.  And then slowly, as the day goes on (a half hour or so later) you realize why those cute black sandals have not been worn in forever! 
And then say to yourself "Holy shit, my feet hurt today!" And then contemplate chopping them off at the ankles.  And then realize that you may have lost some of the circulation in the tops of your feet from the massive grooves that are now permanently embedded into them. 

Mommy Tip #2:
When you see a cute pair of shoes that you haven't worn forever in your closet.....LEAVE THEM THERE!!!  They DO NOT belong on your feet!  They DO NOT belong anywhere near you! There is a reason you haven't worn them in forever!  My feet hate me today!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Mommy Tip #1

I'm obviously still learning about this whole motherhood thing and I know that I will continue to learn until the day I die.  You would think however that I would learn some lessons sooner rather than later.  Apparently I'm fuckin stupid and those said lessons are not learned yet!!

I go pick Mees up from daycare, we walk out to the car and her new thing is to hide and run around the other side of the car.  So I get her stuff in and go around to the other side of the car to get her.  She looked at me and said "Mama, poop."  Ok....well I didn't smell anything and we were on our way out.  I'll check her when we get home!
We get home.....I go around to get her out and she says "Mama, poop."  Okay.... well maybe I should take into consideration that she is getting better with her words and is understanding things.  So like any self respecting mother would do, I pick her up and shove my nose in butt!  Ahhh smells like a cow shit in a barn, ate that shit, shit again and then maybe rolled around in it just a little bit!  Now you would think that since I just sniffed her ass that would be enough....OHHH NO....I decide it's necessary to peek in her diaper.  Why would I need to do that you ask, I don't really f'in know why because when I did I came away with a mothereffin hand full of shit!  Really right now?  Why couldn't the whole smelling of the butt situation been enough?  Not sure why.  I can't really give you a good answer.  Apparently though, for me, shit on my hands was what needed to happen today!  Yay for me!!!

So Mommy Tip #1:
When your kid says she pooped.....take her word for it!!  And if you smell their butt and it smells....just change the damn diaper.  No need to see what it looks like before hand!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

We've hit our 20's!

*  I'm just going to start by saying that this picture pretty much sums up this last month!!  You are a fricken crazy ass beast who can make us crack up one minute and 2 seconds later make us want to rip out our fuckin hair!

*  I will say that you have been sorta kinda naughty lately and I'm starting to wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong?!  I know all kids go through "this" kind of thing but holy hell.  You get so frustrated when things don't go your way or you can't figure things out on your own or we won't let you do things by in return you PUNISH us!!!  WHY???  I don't know but I would appreciate it if my cute lovely little girl would start to show herself!!

*  I had said last month that your vocabulary is ever expanding and that holds true for this month.  You learn new things every day and it's so cool for dad and I to hear you start to put things together and know what we are talking about when we ask you for something.  You are a sponge....which means I'm going to have to watch my fuckin potty mouth!  Ooops!!!

*  You are a music freak!!!  I'm probably a horrible mother but we do not listen to ABC's and 123's and Elmo and shit.....your favorite songs right now are Adele - Rolling in the Deep, Trey Songz - Bottom's Up and Lady Gaga - Poker Face!  See I told ya I'm not a very good mom!  You and I totally jam out in the car and you have this great little dance you do and you totally sing along!!!  I love it!  I have a video that I'll have to post!

*  You are a total big girl now....we put your highchair in storage because you didn't want anything to do with that "baby" thing so we had to get you a booster seat so you are a big girl now and sit at the table with us.  It's so weird and cool and sad all at the same time.  You are just getting so big so fast and it just keeps going faster and faster.

*  You LOVE your babies!  We've been having to bring your babies' stroller with us pretty much where ever we go.  It's so cute to watch you push your babies around and give them hugs and kisses!

This last month has been a challenge but one that I welcome with open arms (most of the time).  Regardless of the tantrums and naughtiness you show your wonderful independence and the drive to want to do things on your own!  I just don't want you to get to independent!  I still need you to need me....I most definitely need you Bug!  I love ya to the moon and back!

Saturday, June 4, 2011


My child is a beast!!!  It's no secret!!  We all know it!!  She likes to hit....a lot....we are working on trying to tame the beast but it's a slow training process!  Although tonight I must say I witnessed something quite special....actually quite spectacular!  Mees and Just were sitting on the couch hanging out.  Justin was making kissy noises at her....just a daddy wanting some smooches from his baby girl!  Well apparently this was completely unacceptable behavior in the eyes of the what did she do????  She fuckin wound up and smacked the shit out of him!!!  Now at no time do I condone her hitting or acknowledge it by laughing but if you could have heard the smack and the power she put into this right hook.....oh dear would have laughed your ass off too!
So...the conversation between the two of them after the spectacular not funny whatsoever "incident" goes a little something like this:

Justin:'s not nice to hit daddy like that.

Mia:  Funny daddy, funny!!!

Justin:  No Mees, it's not funny (trying to conceal his laughter, me not so much)

Mia:  (Laughing) Yeah daddy, funny (WHACK!!!!)

Justin:  MIA....

Nikki:  Laughing!!!!  Hysterically!!!!  

Sometimes it's just necessary to laugh!!!  I mean least it wasn't me she whacked this time!!!!
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