This postpartum shit sucks ass!!!

I've been a bad blogger lately.  I haven't felt much like writing......I haven't felt like doing a whole lot of anything.  I was not aware that postpartum usually hits when the babes are between 6 and 9 months.  I really wish someone would have informed me of this shit....I could have maybe prepared myself a little better and prevented myself from loosing my ever lovin fuckin mind!  Cuz let me tell ya....this shit sucks ass! 
It's so hard to describe...it's just a whirlwind of emotions.  I won't go into all the details....I don't want ya all to think I'm a wack job.....I mean I'm a little crazy...but aren't we all??!!!  Oh...and then there is the guilt.....oh god the guilt.  I have absolutely nothing to be sad about.  I feel totally guilty for feeling all of these feelings. 
I wish I could just learn to let the little things go....to let the non important shit not matter.....to realize that in the long run things will be ok and be the way they were meant to be. 
I've found that at this point in my life there have been so many big changes.  Some fabulous and some not so fabulous but nontheless changes....changes change things....go figure that one huh??!!  I struggle with trying to remind myself that things happen for a reason.  I struggle trying to find that confidence in myself to know that I can get through the tough times and come out a better person for having lived it.  I struggle with trying to remind myself that if God brings you to it he will get you through it. 
This has all been a daily struggle lately and I work at it every day.  The fact that I have an amazing husband, the most beautiful wonderful little lady and an amazing family makes my days worth all this shit.  I'm not gonna lie....sometimes it's hard to put that smile on my face and be the wife and mother that I want to be and know that I can be.  Sometimes it's hard to get motivated to do anything.  But I know I have to, I know I want to, I know I need to.  And I know that this is just a rough patch in the road and things will eventually be better and fabulous again.....that's what the meds are for right???!!!!  I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later....I need to bring the fuckin funny back and stop with the pity party's!  One day at a time and one post at a time!   

Little bit of lady time

I've been meaning to write this post for the last week but as you may have read I really haven't done a whole lot of anything!
Before all the shittiness started my 2 sisters, my niece and a good friend decided to have a girls night and went up to Duluth for a whole day and night without any kiddos or husbands.  I was a little apprehensive about leaving Mia.....it was the first time I've left her over night since she was born....actually it was the first time I had left her for more than a work day. 
It was much needed though and we had a blast. 
Duluth is an amazingly beautiful town on Lake Superior with so much fun shit to do and see.   
Instead of babbling too much I'll just share some photos and leave ya with that!!!

Me and my Beautiful Sisters!

Nat, Tammy, Deb, Me and B at the Glensheen Mansion.  Beautiful place with some incredible history and stories.  And I'm not exactly sure why I have my leg like that....apparently I think it might make me look thinner???  I'm just weird like that I guess!!

View from the back grounds of the mansion.  It was so fuckin hot in that place that I was this close to passing out during the tour.  I was about ready to take one of their fans and shove that shit down my pants!  Probably would have looked a little awkard though??!!!

Back grounds of the mansion over looking Lake Superior.  What an awesome view....the lake is really pretty too!!!

Big Sissy and I on the f'in bicycle built for 6!!!

Yeah...I know...asshats....so we rode this bitch around Canal park....only almost ran a couple of people over.  It was a hoot!!  Tour de France here we fuckin come!!!

Cocktailing and munchin at Grandma's out on the deck.  The weather was perfect and apparently so is she!

Got a burnt beak from just sitting outside drinking....go figure huh???  We all look a little chauched but we really weren't!

Love this picture of B....I can take some pretty good photos....she aint to bad to look at either!!!

We are looking a little scary here....sitting down on the rocks on Lake Superior.....now that I'm looking at this photo more I'm not really sure why I put this up....oh well....gotta take the good with the bad I guess!!  We are just looking a little homely??!!!

My graceful little sister sliding/falling down a giant rock!  There really isn't much more to say about this photo or her for that matter.  She is a special one of a kind gal!!!  Man do I love this girl though!!

We had a fabulous time, went to three too many casinos and lost more money than I would have liked but nonetheless it was such a great trip and so good to do something with the girls.  It's so necessary and I can't wait for us to do it again.  It was very good for my mental status!!!  We laughed a lot and did what girls/sisters are supposed to do when they go away with each other.....tackle each other and act like complete assholes because we can!!!!

WTF....We are throwing some more pity parties over here!!!

I have been totally M.I.A for the last week and I'm so sorry that I've deprived you all of my profound rants and rambles.  But seriously the last 8 days have been maybe the shittiest ever!  Remember last Monday when we were having a little pity party over here at My Fantabulous Wonderful Life....well the fucking pity party isn't over...we could actually call it a bash right now....we are well beyond just a party! 

Last Monday I just started out crabby....I shouldn't have bitched because it's all gone down hill from there.  Work has been beyond stressful with events that I would rather not talk about because god knows it will probably get me in trouble....my mouth has been known to do that from time to time.  So....I've been dealing with some work drama and really reevaluating what I want to do when I grow up.  Then on Wednesday I got a text from Stacy(daycare provider) saying that her daughter was running a super high fever and was diagnosed with hand foot mouth disease.  Sweet!!!!  Poor little peanut was absolutely miserable.  Plus it's highly contagious so Justin and I decided to keep Mees home on Thursday trying to be proactive about the situation.  I went to work on Thursday and got a call from Justin about an hour later telling me that Mia was running a fever of oh...somewhere around 103.  Yeah....sweet shit huh??  Well she wasn't getting better and her fever wouldn't break so he finally brought her in...come to find out the poor girl had blisters all in the back of her throat and mouth...hand foot mouth!!  So now I have this very sick little girl on top of a really really shitty ass week....not good for my mental status lately (oh you know...the whole postpartum depression, loneliness, single mom because Justin is still working nights thing....mental status is going down the tubes). 
Mia was finally starting to feel better by Saturday but Justin and I were really lacking in the sleep department.  I woke up Sunday morning at about 2am with a migraine....worst "headache" I've ever had.  I was pretty much bed bound for the day and sick to my stomach because it hurt so bad.  Nothing I took touched it plus I couldn't eat because of how nauseous I felt....empty stomach, tylenol, ibprofin and vicodin are not a good mix.....it's a barfy mix is what it is!  Plus I was just not feeling good!
Then this morning I got a phone call at about 3:30am from my mom telling me that my Grandma (dad's mom) passed away.  She lived at the nursing home that my mom and I work at.  It was very sudden and unexpected. 
So...I was going into this Monday trying to have a better attitude and then I hear this awful news.  It sucks...sucks ass!  I'm sad and feel awful for my dad.  She was 92 and lived a good life but nonetheless death still sucks. 
In the meantime after dealing with all of this this morning I made a doctors appointment for myself to just get checked out since my headache still hadn't really gone away and I'm still feeling like shit.  So they did a strep test...came back negative.....oh but guess what.....I now got the fuckin hand foot mouth disease. Yep...blisters all in the back of my throat and mouth.  Apparently it is very uncommon for adults to get but yes....this adult right here...fuckin got it.  I feel like I am continuously swallowing needles and that my mouth is on fire ( I honestly feel so bad for little ones who get this because it aint cool...not one little bit).  Honestly....I don't really know what else to say except FUCK!!!  So now I can't go to work for the rest of the week...which wasn't all that bad since Justin and I had already taken Thursday and Friday as vacation days so we could take Mees to the water park of America and spend some family time together since we've really lacked that the last couple of months(which has now been cancelled due to my grandma's services...which is obviously more important).

So....thats why I have been a bad bloggy friend and have not posted or commented in a week.  I can only hope that things will start to look up......and I can only hope for your sake that it does or your gonna be joining in on some more pity party bashes!!!
It has to get better right???
And this wasn't supposed to be a poor me post....just felt good to write it all out!  Thanks for listening!

Pity Party Monday!!

Today sucked!!!  Plain and simple....it was a shitty day.  I woke up crabby and that just fueled the downward spiral of this shitty Monday.  It was a mixture of personal stuff and work stuff and just shit that I didn't feel like dealing with..... plus it's Monday...that's bad in and of itself.   I was more or less having myself a fun little pity party! 
I've been a little down lately and can't seem to snap out of it at the moment.   The fact that I never see my husband has a little to do with it....with him working the third shift we see each other for maybe an hour a day.  We just have really no alone time where we can talk and just hang out.  It's just a change that I need to roll with but it still sucks....it's not permanent but that doesn't make it any easier right now.  I can't bitch too much about it though because I'm totally grateful that he has a job.

Anyway,  today after work I went to my parents to have dinner and hang out with Mia. She was in such a good mood and was having so much fun playing and I swear someone slipped her some cat nip or crack or something because the girl was bouncing of the walls....literaly bouncing off of her pack and play mesh siding thinking it was the funniest thing ever and her little ass was just moving everywhere!  As I was watching her I got mad at myself for being such a crabby bitch today....I looked at her and realized that all those things that I was letting bother me were stupid....I need to work on letting go of the little things and to stop having those little pity parties for myself.  Life is too short.  I need to learn how to enjoy it more.....although that is much easier said than done sometimes but I'm working on it.

I relish in the fact that this one tiny little person made my shitty ass day not so shitty anymore. 

I can't see how anyone would be in a bad mood after looking at this face!!! 

Double Trouble!!

This girl here in the pink......

And this girl right here in the yellow.....

Are going to be a whole truck load of trouble!!!  God help those who get in their way!!  They will have no mercy on you....and probably beat the shit out of anyone who pisses them off... including each other!!! 

F U Road Construction....I hate you!

Disclaimer:  The F bomb gets dropped a couple of times and there may be a shit and an ass in there somewhere too!!  Just wanted to warn yall before you start your leisure reading for the day!!!

Here is my random rant for the day.  I just feel the need to get this off my chest!! 
Fuck you road construction!!!  I hate you!!  Why is it necessary to construct on every damn road within a 50 mile radius of my house and everywhere I have to drive.  There seriously is no direct way for me to get anywhere from my house.  I have to go so far out of my way to bring Mees to daycare, to get home from work, to go to my parents house, to go to my sisters house, pretty much anywhere that I need to go there is a single fuckin lane with stupid asshat drivers that don't know how to merge or even drive for that matter.  Or... all the damn exit ramps on and off the highway are all under construction at the same damn time!  And I just saw signs for more construction on the road that I take from daycare to work.  I seriously might loose my ever loving mind.....seriously....what the shit???
Not to mention the stench of freshly brewed tar all up in the air and all the bumps in the road that are probably going to fuck my car up....I'm just waiting for one of my tires to fall off or the tranny to drop! 
I guess I just don't understand why they need to do it all at once.  I think it's a hazard to all of us drivers....especially those of us who get some serious road rage...me....so...road construction people....if you could hurry the hell up and not be so stupid with your decision making process that would be really nice and it would also save me a little bit of what sanity I have left!!

9 Months

Mia, I'm not really sure where the hell the last 9 months has gone....it has flown by and has been the most amazing 9 months of my life!  It hasn't been the easiest 9 months but it has been the most rewarding, important and life changing 9 months!  You truly have made us a family and I can hardly remember what life was like without you.  Well I can a little....it was a lot easier to just get up and go.  You require a whole lot of shit.  It takes us 10x as long to get out of the house and instead of just a purse we have a diaper bag, an extra clothes bag, a toy bag, a food bag....any kind of fricken bag with as much stuff as we can shove in there because you never know what we might need or where we might go!  But it's ok because mommy loves her bags!!!

Again....this month you have completely amazed your father and I with your accomplishments and the crazy ass shit that you do!!!
*  At your 9 month check up you weighed 19 pounds and are 28 and 3/4 inches long. 
*  For one....you have some crazy ass hair!!  I LOVE it.  Your bald spot in the back is almost grown back but you got some seriously wispy hair up front!  Sometimes it looks like a little comb over or a hair piece.
* Last month I said that you are everywhere.....well that wasn't entirely true because now you are EVERYWHERE!  You are totally crawling now and are quite fast.  You try so hard to keep up with Carter and Ella and get pissed because you can't walk.  You do however keep up pretty good.....just the other day we were out at Grandma and Grandpa's, Antie and I were talking for just a minute, turned around and you two little terrorists were gone.  We didn't see you right away and started to panic, Antie went down the hall and looked in the bedroom, she didn't see you guys at first but then noticed two little heads poking out from behind the curtains of the closet.  Probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen.  We are going to have our hands full.

*  You are not so much into the baby food anymore. You want big people food so that's what you mostly get.  You love cheese, turkey, cottage cheese, yogurt (your favorite is Gogurt and if we don't get it into your mouth fast enough you totally freak out), watermelon, noodles and you still love your puffs!  And you don't really like it when we feed you.  You think you are a big girl and have to feed yourself. 

*  Your vocabulary has increased A LOT!!  You are a total chatter box and have the cutest little voice.  You say Mama and Dada (not sure if you know exactly what they mean but we just pretend that you know) and then have your other adorable little jibberish. 

*  You have an ATTITUDE!  A serious fuckin attitude.  If you don't get what you want you freak the hell out and when I say freak the hell out I mean freak the hell out!!!  You will scream and cry until you almost can't breathe.  Then when you do get whatever it is that you want and you are smiley baby!  Yeah....I can see where this is going. 
*  You sort of understand the word "No".  We are using it a lot more lately. 
*  You are starting to really love your books.  You read to me now!!  I love hearing you little voice!

*  You are pulling yourself up onto everything and in return have received your first injuries this month.  You hit your forehead and got a good scrape on your exersaucer because apparently it's more fun to play on the outside of it than actually sitting in it.  You got your first fat bloody lip because you were trying to keep up with daddy and took a face plant in the laundry room and you also got another bloody lip after grabbing an ice cube while dad was trying to fill his water jug....well...it got stuck to your lip and you were trying to rip it off while it was dangling from your mouth.  Not funny....well maybe a little.  You were fine like 2 minutes later...after the bleeding stopped!  Honestly all of these things hurt me worse than you probably.  I don't like it when you get hurt....so don't do that anymore...ok!!!
*  You went for your first boat ride.  Please refer to previous post for the exciting details of that!!  Lets just say not a great first trip.  Better luck next time!

*  You have the best smile....EVER!  I have no idea where this face came from but you do it with a little snort and it makes us all laugh every fricken time you do it!!!  You also have the most contagious laugh and it can instantly put me in a good mood!
*  You all of a sudden have a thing for my eyelashes and think it's hilarious to touch them.  Whatever makes you giggle I guess. 
*  You are pretty fearless and think you can go anywhere and do anything.  I hate to tell ya missy but you are gonna have to slow down a little!!
*  You LOVE your blankie (or blankies....you have 4 of the same blankie, all different colors but the same style....I guess I'm a freak and want to make sure that you always have one).  You snuggle with it when you sleep....you lay on it with your face burried....it might be the cutest thing ever....this is where the other blankies come in handy....that way we can cover you up!

I feel like I'm going to be writing your 10 month post in like a week.  It's all going way to fast.  I love ya Mees, more than you could ever imagine.  Happy 9 months baby girl!!!

Lessons learned this weekend!

I must admit that this 4th of July weekend was not the most fun 4th of July weekend I've ever had.  Personally I thinked it sucked a little!!!  The weather pretty much ruined half of our weekend and the other half there just wasn't shit for us to do because the humidity sucked the life right out of us.  The only positive thing was that we got to spend time together....which is always good and made up for the fact that everything else sucked ass! 
We were supposed to take our boat out on the 4th but the weather fucked that up but we did get to spend the afternoon with Nat, Joe and the kids.  Can't go wrong watching the three terrorists rip shit up!!!

And then today the weather was supposed to be nice so we thought "hey...yesterday was a bust lets take the boat out today."  So we did.  We waited for 45 minutes to launch the damn thing and then putted around for 20 minutes until Nat got there with the kids and loaded them on. 
Here is where I learned four important lessons.  Lessons that I will take with me for the rest of my days!
1.  Never ever trust the fuckin weather douche holes!!!  I already knew that but I was being optimistic!
2.  Never and I mean never take a 9 month old out on a boat when she has had NO nap.  Not a good idea...not a good idea at all.  Apparently they turn into this whole other non human thing!!  And then when it comes time for bed she throws herself around in the crib and terrorizes her poor little bear.  Monster!!
3.  When you see that the sky is black and the tornado sirens go off....it might be a good idea to head back to the dock.  (This one is acutally Justin's lesson....when your wife tells you that she is having a panick attack because of said wall cloud get the hell back to the dock)
4.  Flip flops are not a good thing to run in when you are trying to out run the typhoon that has just attacked you....plus I had one kid and Nat had two so we were trying real hard not to eat pavement and make it back to the truck for some kind of shelter from the bowling ball size rain that was pelting us. 

And No.....we had not been swimming!!!  This was a good part of the kids first boating experience...in the truck.

Instead of fireworks this year Justin and I went to see Eclipse and now I'm reobsessed with it!  Why is it that after I watch these movies I...1. think they are real 2. wish I could be them and 3. want to do some X rated things with Mr. Edward Cullen??   Yeah I'm almost 29 and I love the whole vamp fantasy.   Sad I know....but this is my excitement....besides poopy diapers....you didn't think I would go through a post without poopy diapers!!!

Hope the rest of you all had a super fun weekend!!!!  Maybe next year!!!

Mullet or Bust

Almost 29 years ago a lovely little lady by the name of Nikki arrived into this great big world....that would be me!!!  Now if you ask me I was pretty fricken cute!!!  But thats just me....other people may disagree....those people would probably get a little bitch slapped....but whatev!!!

See....pretty cute huh???  I obviously continued to get older and....well....continued to get a little cuter!!!

Nat came along when I was five....I was still rockin the cuteness at this time. I still looked like a "normal" little girl.  This may be the last photograph that proves that.

Apparently I wouldn't let anyone take out my barretts so I would just pull them out myself and along with the clips came my hair.   Well because of this... this is what she did to me.....

Ok....for one.. I looked like I just smoked 2 joints and two...total boy cut.  This was only the beginning.  I can actually handle this...a little.  I mean it's not the most horrible thing and to this day my mother says that if she didn't cut my hair short I wouldn't have the long thick hair that I do today....whatever mom!!
So we couldn't just leave it at this....for some reason this went to this........

Seriously mom...what the fuck???  Not cool...not cool at all.  The top of my head is sort of blending in to the stairs but I'm pretty sure that the top of my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a fuckin light socket and then the back of my hair just decided to play dead and lay there.  (Notice the sweet ass stir-up pants too....totally bitchin!!)
So....this is the not so bad mullet...still bad and definitely not cute...not cute at all.....but what my mother did next is so unforgiveable, so horrible that I can't even believe that I'm posting this!  I'm warning you....you may have to avert your eyes very quickly and I promise that it's not a dead animal sitting on top of my head!

WHAT THE FUCK!!!  She gave me a permed mullet....not just a mullet but a fuckin permed mullet.   And apparently Natalie and I can't take a picture to save our lives....  (Side note on the mullet....Natalie's fricken face makes me want to pee a little)!!!

So there you have it!!!!  This was my hot mess of a hair do for a couple of years.  Needless to say I'm still pissed at my mom and may never forgive her for it.  I'm just so fricken happy that my family can totally laugh at me and make fun of the mullet....it's ok though...I have stuff on ALL of them so watch out!!   So yes...I totally rocked a mullet and did NOT make it look good.  Gotta love the 80's!!!
Happy Friday All!!!