I've been a bad blogger lately. I haven't felt much like writing......I haven't felt like doing a whole lot of anything. I was not aware that postpartum usually hits when the babes are between 6 and 9 months. I really wish someone would have informed me of this shit....I could have maybe prepared myself a little better and prevented myself from loosing my ever lovin fuckin mind! Cuz let me tell ya....this shit sucks ass!
It's so hard to describe...it's just a whirlwind of emotions. I won't go into all the details....I don't want ya all to think I'm a wack job.....I mean I'm a little crazy...but aren't we all??!!! Oh...and then there is the guilt.....oh god the guilt. I have absolutely nothing to be sad about. I feel totally guilty for feeling all of these feelings.
I wish I could just learn to let the little things go....to let the non important shit not matter.....to realize that in the long run things will be ok and be the way they were meant to be.
I've found that at this point in my life there have been so many big changes. Some fabulous and some not so fabulous but nontheless changes....changes change things....go figure that one huh??!! I struggle with trying to remind myself that things happen for a reason. I struggle trying to find that confidence in myself to know that I can get through the tough times and come out a better person for having lived it. I struggle with trying to remind myself that if God brings you to it he will get you through it.
This has all been a daily struggle lately and I work at it every day. The fact that I have an amazing husband, the most beautiful wonderful little lady and an amazing family makes my days worth all this shit. I'm not gonna lie....sometimes it's hard to put that smile on my face and be the wife and mother that I want to be and know that I can be. Sometimes it's hard to get motivated to do anything. But I know I have to, I know I want to, I know I need to. And I know that this is just a rough patch in the road and things will eventually be better and fabulous again.....that's what the meds are for right???!!!! I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later....I need to bring the fuckin funny back and stop with the pity party's! One day at a time and one post at a time!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
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Hi Nikki...Well I remember all too well the postpardum with Jack my second child. You nailed the feelings...I will be honest with you, I actually went to counseling for a short time. My life was so perfect in every way, and I felt guilty over so much, like how did I deserve all this...so I know what you are saying. What I did in counseling was start a journal...that was it, it worked to write down my emotions. It is hard to describe to anyone. I never had it with my older son, so this was a shock to me when it hit and hit hard. I also joined a group called Mothers and More, which is a national organization, kinda like a moms group but better...look it up, I wonder if there is one in your area. I made some special friendships and so did my son. It truly is more than a Mommie and me group, which those are great too....Hang in there, it truly does get better!
ReplyDeleteNikki,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are going through this. You are a tough cookie and I know that you can survive this episode, as best as anyone could. I didn't have PPD but I have had my share of emotional flare ups and have felt like the world was a pretty shitty place. Obviously your head tells you that you have a great life with Justin and gorgeous Mia, but they say the heart wants what the heart wants. If your heart feels heavy, that is not a crime. You are allowed to feel your feelings.Once you can navigate through these feelings, you will come out on the other end wiser and with a better understanding of yourself.I hope soon you feel happier and can return to your joyous self. Big hugs!!!
Thanks for sharing this with us! I have a very close friend who dealt with postpartum depression for a little while. She struggled with sharing her pain with others, but I think once she did, she began to really improve. I won't pretend to know any of the answers. I just pray that you find more sunshine and bright spots in your daily life day after day!
ReplyDeleteNikki, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I suffered through postpartum with both kids...worse with the second. The thing that helped me was to get out and do things. Little, stupid things. Walking around a mall, meeting friends for a coffee. The worst thing to do is keep yourself couped up because it makes it worse. This too shall pass...hang in there mama!
ReplyDeleteAw man, I'm so sorry to hear this : ( As a mommy to 4 though, I can totally relate! Depression (in any form) is soo freakin' sneaky and just hits ya when you're least expecting it. Then you feel all out of wacks, and don't know what the hell is going on. Just know, that this will pass, but you do have to work at it. Keep on keeping on, and eventually, things and life and changes all make sense and it'll be ok : )
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
Robyn
I think most mothers have some form of PPD even if it's just a little bit. Motherhood is a good, hard kick in the ass. It's ok to freak out, have bad days, feel homicidal, and then feel guilty about it. We're here for you when you feel yourself again. I hope it's soon.
ReplyDeleteI had some sort of post pardum stuff after my first child - I got pregnant again and it went away. I hope yours goes away soon.
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Social Parade Friday and a new follower through Google Friend Connect.
Please visit my blog sometime at www.styleingenuity.com
Happy Friday!
Shelli :)
Hugs! I hope you know that there are A LOT of us out here who are Survivor Mamas happy to support you through this. Take good care, Amber
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, HUGS to you. I suffered from PPD with Bella--and I'm still on the meds over 2 1/2 years later. It was an awful time...I felt so guilty and honestly I felt like I was going crazy--it's hard to explain!
ReplyDeleteemail me if you ever need to talk, ok? Love ya girl!! xo